Sunday, May 30, 2010

10 Reasons To Come To The Ballyard . . .

10. You might see something nobody had ever seen before.

9. Your team could be down a bunch one minute, but may change with one mighty swing of the bat.

8. You could party in the nosebleeds.

7. The price for admission is still cheaper than the rest of the major sports leagues.

6. Food always taste better at the ballpark. If you want, you can bring your own, and have a mini baseball picnic (they allow it, trust me!).

5. You might get to sit with this guy . . .

4. You might even get a chance to get some action later on . . .


3. Catch a tan when the dome is open!

2. You can maintain a deep conversation with someone, while never missing a play on the field.

1. Kids love sitting in plastic seats!

This Week's Shi . . . PERFECT Blue Jay: Roy Halladay

Fuck Shitty Blue Jays, at least for this week, for this time we celebrate a PERFECT Blue Jay, even though he is wearing another uniform. This week we celebrate Roy Halladay and his accomplishment of pitching a Perfect Game that was long overdue.

He last flirted with perfection back in 1998, as a Blue Jay, with just two starts into his major league career. He was one out away from the feat before Bobby Higginson butt-fucked his bid. Doc was a pitcher of promise before losing it all, getting sent down to the lowest minors to fix everything from the foundation up. And coming back stronger and nastier than ever(see "Oh Leroy Halladay").

He left for Philadelphia at the end of last season in the search for greener pastures, and a World Series ring to top off his already illustrious career. This bout of perfection is just another feather in his cap that will, in my opinion, be checking out at the Baseball Hall Of Fame.

It is bittersweet as a longtime follower and admirer, watching the highlights of every out. It makes me sad that we could never build THAT team around him, and I'm sure his former Jays' teammates were chomping at the bit over every put-out they watched, thinking, 'what-if that were me?' But it does make me happy that such a great and classy guy can reach one pinnacle of success that was well-deserved.

It just shows that good things DO happen to good people. There IS some form of justice in the universe. There IS recompense. There IS balance.

I'll say it again.

Roy Halladay pitched a Perfect Game! I'm pitching a Perfect Tent!


Saturday, May 29, 2010

Do You Like Hipster Dirty?

I subscribe to this guy Switch's blog, and await his new posts every morning. It's funny, thought provoking, and sometimes titillating. He does possess a good eye as some of the pics he posts are artful.

But he still likes his nekkid ladies!

Go here to check it out:

Titillate my G-Spot and see what happens.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Fucking Lights!

Okay. I've wanted to give the Haterade to this girl forever now, but I bought The Listening and can't get over her hooky, well-crafted songs. I just want to listen and listen and listen.

Even that Owl Shitty remix sounds sooo good.


Check out her new video for "Second Go," over here:

Download the acoustic version here:

Tickle my G-Spot to try and resuscitate my musical taste.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Win This! 1994 Jeff Buckley Photo Pass From the Grace Tour! CONTEST NOW CLOSED!

I'm getting rid of some things, so this could work out to your benefit.

The item is a PHOTO PASS that I acquired for the Jeff Buckley show at the Trinity Centre in October 1994. This was in support of his Grace album.

Let me remind you, dear readers, Grace was Jeff's only complete studio album. He was in the process of recording My Sweetheart, The Drunk in 1997, when he drowned in the Wolf River in Tennessee.

One of the tracks from that unfinished album is one of my forever favourites. It just demonstrated how special he was. Check it out:

So, if you want the item above for your collection, please answer this very simple trivia question:

Who opened up for Mr. Buckley at that Trinity Center show?

Bonus question wins this b/w print that was taken at the show:

Who the fuck was I with at that show?! I can't for the life of me, remember! I thought I had a +1 on the guest list, but I have a ticket stub in my collection also! Please help!

Tickle my G-Spot if you have an answer. I'll post the winner whenever there is one.

This Week's Shitty Blue Jay: Tony Batista

As we were closing out a series this long weekend with Arizona, it is quite fitting looking back at how we ripped them off, stealing Tony Batista and Brawlin' John Frascatore from them almost 11 years ago.

Batista was the centerpiece of that trade, after the Blue Jays learned that they lost their star shortstop Alex Gonzalez for the 1999 season, with a bum shoulder. They needed an infielder, fast.

What the Jays needed at that position was just a body to fill in for the year, but what they got in return was beyond expectations. At shortstop, he was slick. He made effortless plays, sucking up groundballs, and gliding the balls to first. It was like watching poetry on the infield.

Back then, I wasn't such an admirer of defensive plays. But Batista at short was a beautiful thing to watch. And no, I'm not gay. Just ask your mom, about that thing I do . . .

Batista also had that fucked-up open stance at bat, with front foot looking like it's out of the batter's box. Nonetheless, he hit 26 HR in 1999 with that stupid stance, 41 in 2000, and another 25 in 2001 for us, before getting shipped off to Baltimore for a round of beers at the titty bar.

He maintained a .251 batting average for his career, bouncing around from Baltimore to Montreal to Japan to Minnesota. He finished his career with Les Expos in 2007, after they relocated to Washington.

His claim to fame, in a YouTube sense, was for scaring a pitcher after being hit by a pitch. Check it out:

You'll also notice that the pitcher SWALLOWS!

Like your mom!


Now part of the SWALLOWS team. Get it?

Next Week: Bill Risley (ugh, it's gonna suck. You might want to skip a week)

(Be sure to click on my shitty Google ads, so I can quit rolling pennies to pay for bandwidth! Got to the right and vote for YOUR favourite Shitty Jay!)

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Brighton Fucking Rock!

Ahh, the good old days of hair metal. Hairspray-teased mullets, tight jeans, and guitar solos.

Before Kurt Cobain killed it, along with the rest of us, with his shitty Fender Jazzmaster!

Now where in fuck do we add the guitar solo? Shit!

Let's get back to better days. Check this Brighton Rock video out:

You're welcome.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

This Week's Shitty Blue Jay: Brawlin' John Frascatore

I love celebrating these no-name blue-and-whites that have contributed to my misery. Love it, totally.

John Frascatore was a middle relief-er who came to Toronto in the 1999 mid-season, as an afterthought of the Tony Batista trade with Arizona (where we made out like a bunch of criminals, because Batista, Jose Cruz Jr., Raul Mondesi, and King Carlos Delgado were a then record-setting group to hit 20 HR or more before the All-Star Break in 2000.), Frascatore performed well in middle relief. He posted 7 wins and 1 loss, maintaining an ERA of 3.41 in 1999 for the Jays.

Unfortunately, the year 2000 was not so kind to John. He posted a record of 2 wins and 4 losses, with an ERA of 5.43. His frustration led to the famous dugout brawl with former Jay and then pitching coach Dave Stewart. Stew, a fierce competitor himself, gave no quarter, and the brawl took extra steps to the Jays clubhouse.

Frascatore was apologetic and remorseful afterward, but his career as a Blue Jay was pretty much over. Stewart must've laid a beating on him! He played for the Jays until 2001, and then was banished to the minors and never heard from again.


Is currently part of a high school faculty at Nature Coast, Florida. Oddly enough, was recently removed from his coaching job for the Class 4A Baseball team for being ultra-competitive, despite leading them to the playoffs.

No shit. Read the article here:

That's why I decided to keep his nickname up on the marquee. Always brawlin'.

(Be sure to click on some of my shitty Google ads, so I can clock some dollars! Scrawl back to see some of the past weeks' Shitty Blue Jays, and vote for YOUR favourite!)

Next week: Tony Batista!

Monday, May 17, 2010

Thrift Score! Candi's s/t CD!

Hey, fuckers!! Guess what I found?

I've been seeking this for months, even going the loser route and beseeching all possible friends and acquaintances to keep a looky-loo for me.

The search ends now! Found it at Value Village for 99 cents!

I thought normally, their 'discount,' media sold for more, but it helps looking pathetic and having your children with you. The girl at the cash felt sorry for me . . . because of my colour and predicament.

So there's an important tip when thrift shopping: be a visible minority, and bring your kids!

Anyway, I got Candi!

Who wants to have a derrty 80's dance party at my house?!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Notes From Last Road Trip

In bullet form:

- do dishes.

- turn off all power bars.

- flush all toilets.

- take out all garbage.

- make sure soundtrack is made.

- alarm the house.

- get in car.

- get coffee.

- pop in soundtrack.

- go.

- drink coffee.

- arrive.

This Week's Shitty Blue Jay: Jose Cruz Jr.

I am fucking shitting myself. Shitting myself totally.

I'm was in my mouldy basement, rummaging around through stuff that the cat pee and the rat droppings didn't hurt, and I came across a team photo of the shitty 1999 Toronto Blue Jays. I nearly shit my pants, I was so excited! I looked from end to end, reminiscing back to dark times. It pretty much had all of your Jays that are featured on the poll to the right.

The shitty part was, when I tried to scan the faces individually, they all come out looking like they belong in a witness relocation program. All of their ugly mugs were blurred out and pixelated, as if their time in a Jays uni were criminal.

So you all have to bear with these shitty, Yahoo images that took very little effort to acquire. Enjoy.

Nothing but the best for my readers. All two of you.

Jose Cruz Jr. came to Toronto through a trade with Seattle. The Mariners had high expectations of him, and were reluctant to let him go. When we offered Seattle a bag of baseballs for Junior Cruz, he was immediately sent packing.

His first day in a Toronto uniform was spectacular. He was just fresh from the trade and was playing in old Tiger Stadium in Detroit. Without cleats of his own, First Baseman Carlos Delgado promptly loaned him his spare pair.

I recall that first at bat. With his newly loaned, oversized footwear, Cruz Jr. promptly hits the loudest, fastest home run to the facade of Tiger Stadium. If it weren't for that, the ball would have ended up in outer space. I mean, it was still headed upwards!

With that, came our high expectations set on this poor guy. He performed admirably, hitting 108 home runs for his 5 year run in TO. But he also struck out 563 times in 2347 at bats. So in every 4 at bats, Cruz Jr. would likely strike out. In every 22 at bats, he would launch it out of the park.

As you can see above, Junior Cruz bounced around from team to team to team. He finished with a .247 average, and 204 HR. His time in Toronto was probably his best, but he was much maligned for his lethargic play and sometimes disinterested look on his face.

I guess when your family comes from a baseball pedigree, your career options are limited. I'm sure he would have been happy being a professional knitter. Come to think of it, WE would have been happy with that also. To be spared of that frustration would have been nice.

His claim to fame was getting away with putting the dirtiest word on the Jumbotron. When his profile came and showed his interests and whatnot. He mentioned that his favourite movie was . . . wait for it . . . SNATCH!


Released by the Houston Astros in 2007, still looking disinterested.

Next week: Brawlin' John Frascatore!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Download This! You Don't Believe In Monogamy (with CD cover)

Download this, before I get shut down.

Highlights include the transition from Brighton Rock to Glen Hansard, my favourite Attack In Black song, Candi and the Backbeat song, and a Broken Social Scene b-side with Leslie Feist on vox.

The title is from The Teenagers song. Please click and save the link below, and print as your cover. Daddy's really lazy.

You Don't Believe In Monogamy

01 When In Rome - The Promise
02 Bran Van 3000 - Drinking In LA
03 Buck 65 - 1957
04 Hot Chip - I Feel Better
05 Ruff Endz - No More
06 Jason Derulo - In My Head
07 Tiger Trap - Supreme Nothing
08 Brighton Rock - One More Try
09 Glen Hansard - Lies
10 Crystal Castles - Air War
11 You Say Party! We Say Die! - Lonely's Lunch
12 The Teenagers - Starlett Johansson
13 Attack In Black - Broken Things
14 Fifth Hour Hero - How Much Is Revolution With Taxes?
15 Candi - Love Makes No Promises
16 Morissey - The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get
17 Camera Obscura - Let's Get Out Of This Country
18 Thrush Hermit - Puerto Rico
19 Mike Watt w/ Evan Dando - Piss-Bottle Man
20 Broken Social Scene w/ Feist - Lover's Spit

You can download the mix here:

Monday, May 3, 2010

This Week's Shitty Blue Jay: Raul Mondesi


He is the most exciting Shitty Blue Jay yet. I remember him as a fiery player. I think he woke up pissed off. He always had that irritated look, every time they showed him.

But goddamn, he brought such swagger and excitement with every game he played. He could run, he could hit, he swung for the fences and tried to connect with every violent swing. He hit 24 home runs in his first season as a Jay 1999, and showed his promise.

His 1999 year was cut short because of a torn rotator cuff. Dave Martinez took his spot in the lineup. He performed admirably, but the team just wasn't the same after Mondy got hurt.

Mondesi stayed for another full season, got traded halfway through 2001. He was a career .273 hitter. For the Blue Jays, he hit a total of 66 HR, and stole 61 bases.

He was partly responsible for 'Latin Night,' at the SkyDome, citing that he felt the need to see more good-looking people at the stands.


Last seen bullying Little League kids out of their lunch money.

What YOU got on HIS fawty, Homie?!

Next week: Jose Cruz Jr.

(Be sure to go to the right and vote for YOUR Shitty Blue Jay! Or I'll send Mondy to come get you, BEE-YOTCH!)