Friday, April 30, 2010

Things To Miss About Hamilton #4: Cheapies And the 99 Cent Record

Before I forget. Because I know I'm going to.

There are little unadulterated pleasures in life. All of us should have at least one thing that gives us joy, making our brief existence here somewhat bearable.

If for some reason you don't possess even that one thing that makes you happy, I suggest you find it quick. And when you do, keep it close to you and celebrate it often.

Because it can't be candyfloss and blowjobs every day.

I'm sharing my little bit of joy.

I have my record-buying bag in tow. Right now, it looks like a purse. Up a few blocks from home is one of my favourite record shops, with a name that speaks to my soul. I'm quite a thrifty bastard, even in the best of times, and the Cheapies moniker pulls me toward it like a fucking magnet.

I go in, and acknowledge the rude record store clerks I barely recognize. I head to the back, where the cheap vinyl are, to spend at least a few hours in my own solitude. I take my time, sifting through the mould, the old, and the unheard of. People that wander by are invisible to me. I'm focused. I pick piles out and separate them in my head.

Gotta Have. Definitely Maybe. Distant Maybe (depending on the budget).

I really don't care about nicks and scratches. Sometimes it's just good to have something physically to take home, and maybe hear that one track that's been in your head for years, finally being enlightened all over again. Who cares if it sounds like dog shit? It's all in how you remember it.

I walk out, heading home. My record-buying bag is full. It hardly looks like a purse anymore.

67 King Street East. HamilTONE!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Download This! build your own giant robot (with cd cover)

Download this while you can!

build your own giant robot

01 Sally Shapiro - Jackie Junior (Junior Boys remix)
02 Stereogum x Team 9 - Pina Horchata
03 a-Ha - Take On Me (The Twelves remix)
04 Boys Noize - Jeffer
05 Felix Cartal - Popular Music
06 Barletta - Whisper (Klever remix)
07 Tiga - Beep Beep Beep (Punks Jump Up remix)
08 Rihanna - Rude Boy (Trickbabies remix)
09 Yelle - A Cause Des Garcons (Tepr remix)
10 The Twelves - Night Vision
11 Shakira - She Wolf (Calvin Harris remix)
12 Miike Snow vs. Vampire Weekend - The Kids Don't Stand A Chance
13 The Cardigans - Lovefool (Barletta edit)
14 Ra Ra Riot - Ghost Under Rocks (Passion Pit remix)
15 Justice - Stress (Auto remix)
16 Tokyo Police Club - Tessellate (Dos Campesinos remix)

Daddy's being lazy. Be a dear, and download the CD cover here:

Click below to download the mix:

Highlights include the Vampire Weekend mash-up with the Rupert Holmes' 'Pina Colada Song.' That goddamn Tiga song is infectious! Beep Beep Beep!

Monday, April 26, 2010

This Week's Shitty Blue Jay: Geronimo Berroa

After enduring what was probably the longest baseball game ever in Blue Jay history last night, I wanted to remind people that games do tend to get long.

But shitty seasons with shitty Blue Jays are longer.

I couldn’t find a picture of Mr. Berroa, but I did include and post his likeness.

Toronto had a DH problem in 1999. There was not a one out there. During that year, they had a revolving door for a lot of these players hoping for a fit. The sad part was, none of them could hit for fucking shit. We were subjected to a year of swings and misses from every goddamn bum imaginable. The main culprits were Willie Greene, Dave Hollins, and Brian McRae, and the infamous Mr. Berroa.

Goddamn, they were awful.

I think I remember getting a phone call to try and fill the position, but I declined. The money would have hurt my swing. TEE-HEE!

I just remember late in the games when we were looking for that one clutch hit, that one big swing, I just recall Berroa always swinging that long, looping swing, not even close to the ball for strike three.

Anyway, this garbo Berroa hit .194 that year with 1 home run. One fucking home run! He ended his career with an average of .276, 101 HR and a .349 OBP.

Current Whereabouts

Do you feel a chill?

Nah, it’s just Berroa whiffing at a ball. Quite a breeze, though.

(Be sure to go to your right and vote for YOUR shitty Blue Jay! We'll tally up the results and reveal the winner! Maybe even egg his house!)

Next week: Raul Mondesi

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

This Week's Shitty Blue Jay: Homer Bush

As the baseball season comes in full swing, I'm going to reminisce about some of the famous Boo Jays that went out season after season and broke my heart.

For this inaugural week, we're going with Homer Bush. Yes, that's his real name.

Played in Toronto during the 1999 to 2001 campaign. He was supposed to establish our speed game, but never did materialize. He peaked in stolen bases in 1999 with 32, but got hurt and never recovered since.

His name deceived a lot of people, because his swing wasn't built for power. A career .285 hitter, he hit 11 home runs in his 7 seasons of work. Was traded to Florida in 2002 and hasn't been heard from since.

I hope, during his major league tenure, that he put up big numbers for bush. Whoo!

Current Whereabouts

Could be seen putting on exhibition races with thoroughbred horses and losing.

Vote for your favourite Shitty Blue Jay to the right, and click on my shitty Google Ads so I can make some dough!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Lessons Learned From This Past Road Trip

In bullet form:

- Girl Talk, Feed the Animals, is one part musical ADD, and one part genius.

Who doesn't want to hear Old Dirty Bastard, mashed up with Kelly Clarkson and Nine Inch Nails? Come on!

- This knife/spoon/fork combination from LightMyFire is a godsend.

I can actually pack and eat real food for the trip and not have to scramble for a bunch of separate utensils. And at $4 a piece, it won’t break my heart if I lose it.

- There is fuck-all for selection when it comes to real food on the road.

It’s all junky grease. I ate a fast-food chain meal this weekend and never felt so uncontrollably pissed off in my life. I just couldn’t handle the over refined sugar anymore. Lately, I’ve been packing my breakfast granola and cranberries, maybe some fruit, and save myself for a real meal down the road.

- I don’t miss my commute around Toronto through the 400-series highways and all that bullshit traffic.

My car was slowly turning into my coffin. My 3-hour-a-day drive time caused hypertension, a bleeding ulcer, road rage, and lethargy to my body. No wonder I felt like a piece of monkey shit when I was working!

These days, my drives are quite relaxed, completely staying the fuck away from rush hour traffic. Try not to commute, no matter how attractive the money looks. You can’t enjoy your money when you’re pushing the daisies at a young age!

- Long drives? Two words: BLADDER CONTROL!

I don’t have that trait. The Mike Watt tune, “Piss-Bottle Man,” gets considered.
Try eating a cereal bar, or some nuts. Your stomach will use some of your fluids for digestion, instead of going straight to your bladder.

Or just pull over every chance you get, like I do.

- From the Moose Lake Trading Post northward, there is nothing but road and wilderness. Nothing!

- Enjoy Highway 69. Stay for the scenery, but please, don’t end up as food for the bears, bull moose, and wolves!

I pulled over on the road side on 69 one night, just to admire the view, and I could feel sets of eyes in the woods, watching me. I ran back inside the car, and deeply considered that Mike Watt song again.

So, who wants to go on a road trip?! Anyone?!


Things To Miss About Hamilton #3: Waterfront Trail Torture

Goddamn, I miss running. I miss it as much as wine enemas.

I ran the 30k, and now I'm over it. But one thing I do miss was the training aspect of things, specifically taking Chewy for a run around the water.

You see, the training for the race, on my part, was pretty lackluster. I didn't follow the training program. I was lazy. I didn't stay on a clean diet. When it rained, I stayed home. I didn't run in a group. I thought groups were gay.

My running group was made up of myself and my dog Chewy. We'd run a little 2.2k trail around the water every night after work. Sometimes we'd run it a few times, but mostly one lap was enough to break us into a sweat, and we'd just head home.

But on Sunday morning, Chewy would always be game for our torture run on The Waterfront Trail.

So every Sunday morning, we'd start from our house, down to the Bayfront Park, going to Cootes Paradise, going up The Stairs Of Death onto York and try to limp back home.


It's a great wake up if you're still hungover from the night before. Just ask your liver and kidneys.

What Chewy and I both enjoyed are the views. Myself, the sun slowly shimmering across the water, and for Chewy, all the ducks and geese close to the shore, teasing him. It is quite a sight, though. It made some of the pain go away. And it was quite a workout, trying to hold the stupid dog back from taking a swim.

To give people proper warning, the trail is just that . . . a trail. There's no lavish access points along the way, no mini malls, no parking for your big cocksucking SUV. You go in with your bicycle, your rollerblades, or just your legs. But if you get stuck, you're fucked. There's nobody to call to come and get you, unless you can swindle some fucker to bring his boat to where you are. So when you make the decision to go do this, it's iron-clad. There's no turning back.

The Halfway Point (The Stairs Of Death)

Take a deep breath. Don't bypass the stairs and head for Coote's Paradise. It is nice and all, but it will just prolong the agony, taking you all the way to Westdale. Do go up these stairs, swiftly and efficiently. It's the equivalent of doing 75 lunges with weight, so expect a little lactic acid forming in your quads soon afterward.

Almost Home

Let's take a minute. Check out the view. It's nice, with the exception of the steel plant by the water, but let's not get into that.

I do miss the peace and serenity that comes with a run by the water after dawn. It makes all the effort made worth the price of action. By the time we end up on York Street, we're spent. But it's such a satisfaction that doesn't come with a lame running clinic spurring you on. It was my own motivation, and my own goals that pushed my desire to get up early and get it done while other people were still sleeping.

We make the turn to Copps. Chewy and I slow it down.

Then we're home.

Now, where's that WINE for my enema?!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Download This! I Won't Be There To Break Your Sweet Heart

Download this while you can.

Light some candles. Have a bath. Treat yourself.

01 KISS - I Stole Your Love
02 Kardinal Offishall w/ Akon - Dangerous
03 Sahara Hotnights - Who Do you Dance For?
04 Blink 182 - M + M's
05 The Afghan Whigs - Come See About Me
06 Candi And the Backbeat - Under Your Spell
07 Descendents - Silly Girl
08 Hellogoodbye - Here(In Your Arms)
09 Tears For Fears - Head Over Heels
10 Attack In Black - The Love Between You And I
11 Stars - The Night Starts Here
12 The Pretenders - Let's Make A Pact
13 Daft Punk - Something About Us
14 Motion City Soundtrack - Resolution
15 Band Of Horses - No One's Gonna Love You
16 The Reindeer Section - You Are My Joy
17 Death Cab For Cutie - Passenger Seat
18 The Figgs - Favourite Shirt
19 Rick James - Make Love To Me
20 The Psychedelic Furs - Love My Way

Click here to download:

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

What Bullshit This Cover Is!

It doesn't even seem right that Doc is in Philly Red.

It's an indication of what I have (or don't) to look forward to on Opening Day.

What a fuck of a long season we have to endure.

Somebody break out the Cutty Sark! Please!

Things To Miss About Hamilton #2: Junk Food Cheaply

My wife and I making a return to our hometown Hamilton for a brief tour, and it's been weeks since we've been home. So I've decided to tally up all of the certain gluttonous items that she and I enjoy when we're home, and exhibit no self-control.


It's hard to find good authentic Mexican food anywhere. This hole in the wall located on James North is a prize waiting to be found. Tacos, enchiladas, flautas,and the best guacamole-in-a-stone-bowl you will ever have. Order it up, tuck in.

They even have their own tindera, so you can take home your own tortillas and Fanta and Jarritos!

(As far as I recall though, no tamales. Kind of a drag, but fuck you! Go to McDonald's, you jagoff!)

Crystal Dynasty (pronounced Die-NASTY!)

I'm a sucker for good, tasty Chop Suey. They gots it. Their Cantonese Chow-Mein is like your mom . . . loaded and saucy. HEYO!

Situated down the street from Copps, this grease trap offers a lot of charm. I think my table consisted of a crate stood vertically, with a table-top made of chipboard! This place is ghetto-fabulous!

Harvest Moon on James is good also. Highlight dish: Spicy Fried Pork Chops.

Sushi Star

All-You-Can-Eat Sushi. And it's fucking amazing, despite the shut-down from the Food Inspection Agency.

In the heart of downtown, on King.

Very charming.

Very Good.

Please, please, try the Dragon Roll. I could eat that all day.

Please, please, don't try the Hamilton Roll. Unless you're being ironic or retarded.

Actually, with sushi, we alternate between Sushi Star, or Sapporo on Main, or August 8th on Wilson. We actually did that for a week, and by the end of it we were all sushi-ed out.

If you are looking for Pho, please check out my previous posts to find out where in Hamilton you can find a steaming bowl of sexy.


Located on King Street, across the tattoo parlor, they possess the best Chicken Shawarama in town. Their distinction from the rest of the pack is that they roll up your super-loaded pita, then slap it on the grill for a quick toast.

Super cheap. Super amazing.

They even have another location on the other side of town on Main. Other establishments that come close are Nabil's on Wilson, Sana Grill on King, the other on Barton, and Lulu's on John. Try Eat-A's first, then check out the others to compare.

Modern India Buffet

All-you-can-eat Indian food is heavenly. This place on Main has it all: the curries, the pakoras, and tandoori-style dishes to put you in a hot sweat.

Try drinking milk before gorging yourself on Hot Indian. (There's a joke in there somewhere. Please help me out by leaving some tasteless jokes in the COMMENTS section.)

There are so many places that are soooo cheap to eat at and easily accessible, that I don't understand why we even stay in to make food. This serves as a guide as to where the tour of gluttony will make their stops.

Stop by and come see us for a bite . . .

Monday, April 5, 2010

Meet Me At the Lali Puna!

Well, Motherfuckers, I never thought I'd see this day! Lali Puna are coming back with a new album! To all my wealthy friends, Our Inventions, comes out April 9th, hopefully including a tour of North America (stop by Toronto again, please?!).

I've been wandering through their website for so long, showing the same info and links to Faking The Books, I thought they all walked away from the whole thing.

I read that Valerie, their visionary, was taking some time off to make and raise babies. Since I know what that time off is all about (16 years and counting!), I figured that they were just another band that will never ever materialize again.

I passed on their only Toronto stop at Lee's Palace almost 7 years ago, and kicking myself in the ballsack ever since!

Lali Puna's aesthetic with sonically digitized electronica, clean lines so appealing, makes them an anomaly for being away a long time. It sounds like they never even left!

Check out their single, "That Day."

Here's to hoping for a Toronto show. Meet me at the Lali Puna!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Warning! I Might Have Given You Something . . .

I've been down for almost two weeks due to some technical difficulties. Thank god for my father-in-law for getting me somewhat back up and running.

To perform my due diligence, I'm informing all of you that have been following and clicking on the download links, to please take the time and run some spyware and malware utilities on your personal systems. I fear that I might have given you something . . .

Programs like Spybot, Malwarebytes, Hijack This, are recommended. Run them. Protect yourselves.

Like I really wanted to be down 2 weeks thanks to malware. Really.